But what if I don’t wanna???

"There comes a time when you simply have to suck it up and do it anyway. But what if is doesn't work out? - Sure, it might not, but you won't ever know if you never even try."

Delight. Doing the stuff that lights you up. Wonder. Joy Contentment.

All wonderful, admirable, fabulous stuff. Never let it be said that I’m not your advocate for doing less of the soul sucking stuff that drives you bananas. The more you can tap into the person you were born to be and bring that lovely lady out to play, the better this world will be.

But, what about those times when there’s something niggling at you? Something that, in your quiet moments when no one else is listening, you have to admit mildly terrifies you? What do you do with the niggles that will not let you go?

I’ve long time maintained that that stuff that niggles at you is actually really important. Those thoughts and ideas that appear, seemingly out of nowhere, long after you’d discarded them or put them on a shelf, what if those are someone bigger than you trying to get your attention?

My children have this annoying habit (one that I will contend is almost certainly not exclusive to them) of saying the same thing over, and over, and over again.

As they’ve gotten older their methods have changed a little. My eldest will cook her own bacon. (But please, whatever you do, on pain of death, do not let her near the microwave!) Even my youngest, at nearly nine and the baby of the family, has learned that if he doesn’t get a reply from Mum or Dad soon enough, he can probably have a go himself.

But when they need an answer, you can be sure that they will not give up. I thought I was stubborn but I have nothing on them!

Now I’m not saying that God is like a nine year old, I’m pretty sure he’s a little more subtle than them for starters, but what I will say is, if we’re made in God’s image, it stands to reason (in my mind at least) that they must have got their persistence from somewhere!

Just because you’ve put something to one side for a bit doesn’t mean that he has too. And he will not give up.

But what if that thing that’s niggling you also terrifies you? (And yes, I am totally writing the thing I most need to hear.)

There comes a time when you simply have to suck it up and do it anyway. But what if is doesn’t work out?

– Sure, it might not, but you won’t ever know if you never even try.

I’ve come to the conclusion that, eventually, you simply have to do it anyway.

Speaking candidly, my personal fear isn’t exactly about it not working out (at least not in an obvious way.) What I’m most scared of is the thing itself. For years now I’ve had some version of this faith adventure. I’ve played with different iterations and served different people. I thought I could love on people on God’s behalf and have that be enough.

But the thing I keep coming back to is the idea of being the person to love the lover.

In other words, sure, there are people I can love on in my world, but I’m not here to love on all seven billion people on this planet. What I do feel called to do is love the people doing the loving.

Support, encourage, lift up and inspire the other Jesus freaks around me, so that they feel nourished and full to the top with God’s love, such that they can go out and love the people in their world.

And that’s the idea that terrifies me most.

Because I don’t feel holy enough, or knowledgable about the bible enough. And some Christian are kinda full on and scary. There, I said it. I’ve never admitted that out loud before but it’s the Christians that frighten me the most. Because no one is holy enough or knowledgeable enough and there are enough people in the bible for whom God filled in the blanks for me to feel content that he can help me with that too.

But the idea of stepping into the world of the Christians and loving on them? Quaking in my slippers!


P.S. If my mild terror amuses you, I won’t take it personally! Follow along via my weekly column, direct to your inbox every Wednesday morning. Click here to get signed up for free.